Special Video Guest
Special Guest Video
🌟🌟Taylor Cecelia Brook🌟🌟 of shares a trauma trigger that happens every time she feels like someone is upset with her, she freezes for 20-minutes or more at a time.
Storytime
“Sometimes, you can just be so—dense. No. I take that back, Dumb. You can be just so dumb. How can a woman who is so damn intelligent be so fucking DUMB!?! You have absolutely no common sense.”
The man I dated before I met my Hobbit was a love-bombing, gas-lighting, controlling, manipulating narcissist. There were red flags. Lots of them. But I wore rose-colored glasses and saw every red flag as a beautiful red butterfly.
—He had a horrible childhood. He just needs someone to love him unconditionally. I can do that. . . or can I?
“I love you, baby,” I said, and took a long slow deep breath.
He ranted and paced in front of me. I sat quietly in my favorite purple writing chair, with my dog, Sukha, on my lap, occasionally quivering with anxiety whenever he fist punched the air, or lunged at us. He never physically hurt me, but that night, I thought he might.
The purple chair was the only thing of mine in the room. He had tried to ruin it twice when I moved in with him, dropping it and scraping it on the pavement. He hated that chair. I loved it. I had written three books sitting in that chair. It was my safe space.
His words pushed out of his mouth like blow darts, one after another aimed right at me, meant to hit me where it hurt most. I visualized a protective bubble emanating off the purple chair.
“You’re such a bitch. You don’t really love me. If you loved me, you would cut off your friend Mark, and you’d stop going to lunch with that entitled bitch, Julie, who puts stupid dreams inside your head.”
—He doesn’t really mean it. He’s just upset.
“I love you, baby,” I said again. Another long slow deep breath.
One after another, the blow darts bounced off my invisible shield and littered the floor around me.
“If you loved me, you’d know better than to keep asking me if we can dogsit for your parents. If you loved me, you would wake up and realize your business is crap and take the receptionist job at the airport with me. We could be together all day, wouldn’t you like that?”
“I love you, baby,” I said again, it became a mantra. I swallowed all the other words, my throat raw. Another long slow deep breath.
—I forgive him, for he knows not what he says.
Every once in awhile, a dart would pierce the bubble, and a little air would seep out with a gentle hiss. After an hour, when he finally wore himself down and went to bed, my bubble was just a deflated balloon around me.
A thick circle of nasty-word blow darts surrounded me. I wondered what would happen if I stepped on them. How much more infected could I become? Then, I wondered what would happen if he stepped on them. Would they puncture him? Or is he immune because they were laced with his venom?
I curled up into fetal position around Sukha in the purple chair. My head on the arm, my feet cradled by the ottoman.
Things will be better in the morning, everything resets with sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, all the red butterflies had turned into flying red flags. Hundreds of them.
I moved out a week later.
Lesson
Several years later, when Hobbit and I bought our house, I found a new writing chair and gave the purple chair to a friend. As I watched her fit it with a new dust-cover, memories of the blow-dart night came rushing to the front of my mind.
The blow-dart night was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life.
I didn’t fight. I knew I couldn’t win.
I didn’t flee. I knew I couldn’t outrun him.
I didn’t freeze. I knew it would’ve made him more angry.
We’ve all heard of Fight or Flight, and most of us have heard of Freeze. The fourth, a lesser known trauma response, is another F-named trauma response (and no, it is not F*ck)? I’m a master at it.
I fawned.
I’m a people pleaser. My natural go-to response is to boost up those around me, no matter what.
“I love you, baby.”
Fight - 🥊 put up your dukes.
Flight - 🏃♀️➡️ get the hell outta here.
Freeze - 🥶 roll over and play dead.
Fawn - 💞 people pleasing pushover.
Fawning is the most natural trauma response for highly sensitive and empathic people. We always look for the best in people, circumstances, places, and situations. We look to the light, and ignore the shadow.
We squint just enough to see red flags and happy fluttery beautiful red butterflies.
And then we compliment them.
We fawn.
What
describes in this video is a form of fawning. Whenever she feels like she might be getting in trouble, she is triggered, and she freezes. Then, to thaw her way out of the trauma, she fawns.For me, fawning was a way to blunt the tips of the blow-darts as they came at me. Fawning softened the blows.
Homework
🔒 Mini-Course Mini-Lesson #3 - How to Protect Yourself from an Energetic Attack of Trauma
While the blow-dart night was the most terrified I have ever been, it didn’t cause me any permanent damage. My narcissist was not able to reach my core and make me question my depth of Self. I’d been through that before, in my divorce. And three years of healing from deep core wounds, I was stronger, and I had skills and tools and techniques to keep me sane.
When the blow-dart night happened, years of MindfulSense practices kicked into auto-pilot. I didn’t think about what I was doing to protect myself, I just did it.
This homework video lesson teaches the simple visualization exercise I used during the blow-dart episode combined with a breathing practice I applied to center and ground myself in the midst of that trauma.
